


if only time could just turn back

by we_are_the_same



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Complete, Infidelity, M/M, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:39:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_are_the_same/pseuds/we_are_the_same
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on this kinkmeme prompt:</p><p>You know that saying that goes something like "you never know what you have until it's gone"?</p><p>Liam never noticed how Zayn looks at him all adoringly until Zayn starts to look at someone else that way. And Liam doesn't notice how Zayn's been pulling away little by little until the day he introduces someone (male, female- doesn't matter) to the band, kind of like meeting the family type situation. All of a sudden, Zayn can't always come over when Liam needs someone to cuddle and he spends more time on his phone checking for messages from the bf/gf and he sees the way Zayn starts to look at this person with a painfully familiar expression- the way Zayn usually looks at *Liam*</p><p>Zayn meanwhile has started to give up on Liam and he thinks that he could grow to love this new person a lot too. Maybe not as much as he loves Liam, but close enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Enza (Zeto)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zeto/gifts).



> Without you this would still be a oneshot. ♥

At first Liam doesn't know what changed. He knows something did, but he doesn't know when, or why, or how.  
  
Zayn, on the other hand, does. He recalls the date with perfect clarity, as well as the moments leading up to it. He doesn't really understand the  _why_  but he knows that things have irrevocably changed on August 13th, at approximately six point forty-seven P.M. at night.   
  
There's nothing special about August 13th, 6.47 PM other than that it's a night where they're all together, having just finished dinner when one of their interviews is aired. Niall is rummaging in the freezer, trying to hunt down dessert, and Zayn is pressed against Liam on the couch, Louis warming his other side. Zayn doesn't look at the TV - eyes on Liam who is watching the way Louis pets Harry's curls - until he hears Liam's voice coming from the speakers.   
  
It's kind of an odd thing to see, the five of them on television. They try and steer clear of their interviews as much as possible, and unless management calls them in to see something they're happy ignoring the fact that days of speaking to reporters end up broadcast all over the world.   
  
The first thing Zayn notices is Liam, how good he looked that day in those jeans, how his hair was just the right kind of messy. The next thing he notices is the way he's noticing all of that. There's really nothing subtle about it, the way he stares at Liam as though every word falling from his lips is a gospel, and he wonders for a moment if he is really  _that_  glaringly obvious. Cheeks flushing, he finds Louis looking at him with gentle, sympathetic eyes, and Zayn swallows. It  _i_ _s_ that obvious.   
  
"Good interview" Liam says when it's done, and the way he smiles at Zayn is so utterly  _normal_ , like Liam hasn't just seen Zayn declare his love for him on national telly, like he hasn't noticed the way Zayn looks at him is anything out of the ordinary, isn't the way he looks at the others.  
  
And just like that, his heart sinks and this hopelessness settles in, heavy in his belly.  _What's the point_ , he thinks.   
  
It isn't until later, when he's alone, laptop the only thing illuminating the room, that he fully realizes how obvious he's been. The way he's looked at him goes back years - interview after interview he sees himself staring at him that way, sees the comments made by dozens of Tumblr girls proclaiming that  _ZIAM IS REAL!!!_  
  
There's pages of analyses, photographic evidence from more than just interviews. There's shows, twitcams, the whole works, but while the clothes (and the hairstyles) vary, the way he looks at Liam never does. Ziam is real, he'll concede to that much, but he has to side with the girls who regretfully post that evidence suggests that Ziam is also unrequited. Sure, Liam is cuddly with him, he'll wrap an arm around him or smile at Zayn, but he doesn't look at him any different than he looks at Niall or Louis or Harry, or even some of the interviewers. There's respect in there, admiration sometimes, fondness for his friend, but that's as far as it goes.  
  
Liam, through it all, is blissfully unaware, and Zayn hopes it stays that way. Hopes that Liam will leave Tumblr abandoned and doesn't search for his own name because Zayn needs to fix this before it becomes a thing, before they become as famous as Larry Stylinson and the whole world is focused on the way he can't seem to stop staring. He needs to stop, and while he doesn't know where to start, he is determined to succeed.  
  
The next interview, he sits next to Louis, because Louis knows and Louis is a great friend who understands even when Zayn can't explain it, can't do more than look at him helplessly the first time he realizes he's been looking at Liam again.   
  
The interview lasts twenty minutes and Louis keeps up a running commentary under his breath for seventeen and a half of those minutes, and Zayn could kiss him.  
  
It's a subtle shift from there on out. He finds things to occupy him, things to keep him from looking at Liam in a way that'll make the Ziam-stans go crazy. He fidgets with his bracelets or exchanges jokes with Louis, he ends up cuddled into Harry instead, will sidle up next to Niall in a photo shoot and smile when it's appropriate, and it's not like the way he treats his friends is fake because they're all great and adorable and he loves all of them.   
  
He still finds himself cuddled into Liam some nights, but he tells himself that it's different. That he just wants that affection that Niall is too flighty for and that Louis and Harry have with each other.   
  
It isn't until he meets her that he starts to transfer that as well. Maybe it's not entirely fair at the start, but she's fun, and hot, and she wraps her arms around him in a way that makes the ache a little less. She gives him not the strength but the opportunity to break away from Liam, and Zayn takes it gratefully, chants her name at night when they're together and she's got her lips wrapped around him.   
  
He doesn't love her but he thinks he can.  
  
*  
  
Liam doesn't realise something's changed until months after Zayn introduces her. Until the fourth time Zayn tells him, "sorry Li, I can't tonight" and the sixth time he's looked at his cellphone, ducked his head and smiled on the one night they do actually get to hang out. He doesn't know what happened, doesn't figure it out for the longest time. Zayn is happy and therefore he's happy, and it doesn't make sense that sometimes he's just.. _not_.   
  
That sometimes he wants to shake Zayn and tell him  _I'm right here_  when Zayn's eyes skitter into the crowd, searching out her shape instead of looking at Liam when they always used to feed off of each others energy during a concert. That when they're together, bodies pressed against one another in one long line of warmth and contentment, Zayn doesn't feel a hundred percent tangible. He's still affectionate but it seems almost mechanic, the way he'll rub Liam's knee or wrap an arm around him. Even the way he rests his head on his shoulder when they watch Toy Story feels different.  
  
It isn't until he watches snippets of one of their live tour DVDs - at home, over Christmas break, and really, it's even more embarrassing than it sounds because his entire family is present - that he notices the way they always seemed to gravitate together. The way Zayn would subconsciously shift when Liam did, the way he'd look at him when he spoke. He feels something curl in his stomach, not entirely unpleasant, until they get to later footage. He sees himself singing  _More Than This_  to an unresponsive Zayn, sees himself trying to insert himself in Zayn's space while the other looks away.  
  
It's then that he realizes that Zayn stopped looking at him like that. He wants to rewind the tape and watch it over and over, find the moment things changed, pinpoint the what where how when why. But dinner is ready and he's roped into conversation over mashed  potatoes and gravy and three egg-nogs and a sore stomach later Liam still hasn't answered any of his questions except for that somehow, it's to do with  _her_.  
  
Liam isn't stupid. He knows that should be it. And yet.  
  
And yet and yet and yet.  
  
It's only too easy to wrap his arms around Zayn when they're finally back together, press himself close because he's  _craved_  this, and traitorous fingers pull the smaller males body closer to his until they're chest to chest, nose to nose like that Rihanna song. "I missed you" He murmurs, and Zayn looks up, makes Liam feel like he finally sees him again. He smiles and it prompts a smile in return, and any moment now Zayn will remember her and he will pull away, but Liam won't let him. He'll wind his fingers in Zayn's hair and keep smiling at him until Zayn gives in and tells him that he's missed him too. And then...


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the lovely Zeto who encouraged me to continue this <3

And then...

 _Nothing_.

 

Zayn does end up saying he's missed him too, but he says 'I missed you _guys_ too' and the way he smiles at Liam reminds him of the way Zayn smiles at everyone else. Maybe not the fans, because he's got his special I-can't-believe-this-is-real smile for them, and not the interviewers or the press because then his smile doesn't always reach his eyes, but the way he smiles at Liam now is no different from the way he smiles at their bandmates, or Paul, or any of the other people that have become part of their little family. Liam ends up patting his shoulder a shade too rough in an attempt at normalcy, grins at him like nothing's changed, and though Zayn looks at him curiously when he withdraws from the hug Liam's question of whether or not he's had a fun Christmas break stops him from saying anything. Instead he nods, all bright smiles and flushed cheeks as they head outside to wait for the other guys, tells Liam about how his girlfriend came to meet the family, how everyone loved her and Safaa hasn't stopped wearing the bracelet she got from her. Liam hums and throws in encouraging generic noises when he deems them appropriate, trying to be enthusiastic for Zayn's sake because he loves his friend and it's great that his girlfriend makes him happy and he's not going to be the kind of asshole best friend that clearly shows his disapproval for a girl that he's sure is nice enough. It's not her fault that Liam wants to scratch out her eyes and get his Mean Girl on, that he thinks her hair is stupid and her voice is too shrill, things he never used to think before his big Boxing Day Epiphany. He smiles at Zayn when Zayn finally trails off, notices his blush as he mumbles something about hogging the conversation, and bumps his shoulder with his when he says “I'm real happy for you mate”. The smile that earns him makes his heart hurt in a way that he's sure it must've before, because although he was never aware of it before the pain seems almost familiar.

Niall arrives next and it's a flurry of limbs and greetings and shouts and soon enough he's got an armful of Louis and Harry is slamming some kind of hat onto his ears and it makes it easier. For a while.

 

*

 

They're due for their new tour in a few weeks and things are hectic, but Zayn doesn't mind. It's easier this way, when he's so busy answering questions and shooting photos for magazines that he can't think too much about Liam. Which is an odd thing to say when Liam is there with him all the time, but between being herded into a bus and out of a plane and having people apply make-up and take off his shirt because the other one looks better on him after all, there's time to talk but never to really _talk_. Not until late at night and half of those nights they spend together, all five of them, and the other half Zayn will bow out early at least most nights, excuse himself to call his girl or saying that he just needs some time alone. It's nothing new so no one asks any questions, and Zayn does call her when he says he would because hearing her voice helps. It doesn't matter what they talk about, just hearing her laugh and the affection in her voice makes it easier to breathe because when he's with her he doesn't have to think about the part of him that still wants to be special to Liam. Maybe he's not fully honest with himself when he thinks that that part of him can be satisfied with being special to _her_ , but the ache is less when she calls him honey and replies with _I love you too_ before they say good night.

When he's alone at night he stares at the ceiling and wonders if he should be feeling like a liar when he says those three words, but he doesn't feel dishonest when he talks to her, the words slip out and maybe it's not the love he feels for Liam, but it's no less real. It's calmer, quieter, it doesn't make him hurt the way loving Liam has, and he wonders if he's crazy for wanting that heat when he knows it could burn him. Wonders what it says about him, about that hope that he tried to crush or at least lock away, when he can't help closing his eyes at night and recalling the way Liam looks at him. He wants to ask Louis or the others if something has changed but he doesn't because what if the answer is no?

(He doesn't dare to go on Tumblr and search through the Ziam tag because what if the answer is yes?)

 

*

 

Liam knows better than to read every article that's printed about them, and he's learned to ignore the many headlines that take their words out of context but that will end up selling better than whatever the point was that they tried to get across in an interview. So when Zayn won't talk to him he doesn't know what it's about, until Louis slides a paper in front of his face and he can see his own face cropped into a corner of a larger picture of Zayn and his girlfriend holding hands.

The headline reads **ONE DIRECTION IN TROUBLE? DADDY DIRECTION DISAPPROVES OF BANDMATES GIRLFRIEND**. And Liam has to read it twice before he remembers the interview, is reminded of talking about the relationships in the band and how it was hard sometimes, how their friendships had changed now that they had to divide their time between each other and their significant others, but that's not what the article insists he's said. _Liam Payne sat down for a heart to heart with one of our interviewers last week, and while he's excited for the upcoming tour he says he fears for the future of the band. 'Don't get me wrong, it's great being on the road, but it's not the same as it was last time' He said, 'a couple of us have girlfriends now and it definitely influences the rest of us'._

Liam remembers saying something to those lines, at least, but he growls under his breath as he reads the rest of it, printed words that do justice to the feeling inside of him but that he'd never say because he genuinely wants the others to be happy. _When asked about the dynamic of the group, Liam acknowledges that Zayn in particular has been spending a lot of time away from the others. 'He's always texting his girlfriend' Liam confessed, admitting that it could get frustrating sometimes, especially during rehearsals. When asked if his bandmate is still giving giving One Direction his all, he seemed conflicted, finally conceding that 'Zayn doesn't seem to be as dedicated as he used to be'_.

Liam feels hollow, wants to rip up the newspaper or crumple it up into a ball and he also wants to shake Zayn and hit him for thinking that he'd ever say those things. But he doesn't, because even if he'd never say most of the things they made out to be direct quotes, it isn't entirely untrue. The part about Zayn not being dedicated is, because Zayn is a perfectionist and he cares enough for the rest of them to give it his all even if he wouldn't need them on the level he had when they first started – but that's the thing. That's what Liam feels like, though it's not something he would tell anyone. How much it hurts that maybe Zayn doesn't need them (need _him_ ) the way he used to.

 

*

 

Zayn wants to _hurt_ him, wants to yell at him and show him how much it hurts that Liam thinks he doesn't care about them anymore. Maybe that's not literally what he said but it's the vibe he gets from the words regardless, and he can't help but be angry that his best friend thinks he would abandon ship. For a _girl_ no less. Yeah he's been trying to balance between spending time with them and talking to his girl, but half of that is Liam's fault to begin with! His stupid eyes and his stupid military buzz cut that Zayn is never able to separate from Danielle – because it meant they broke up and it meant that maybe he had a chance, and every time he sees him with that haircut he's reminded of it even though he's now the one in a committed relationship and he's not supposed to hope any longer. His stupid smile that he can't be sure really has changed, because apparently sometimes Zayn is still a big teenage girl with her first crush and he reads too much into things because he _wants_. He shouldn't and he tells himself he doesn't, night after night, but even if he maybe loves her there is still a part of him that wants Liam.

And Zayn wants to hurt Liam because like it or not, he _has_ been spending time away from the others and he has - maybe not entirely consciously but still – kept his distance from them, kept himself from fully committing to the band because it hurts too much and he's scared of what will happen if they go on tour and he doesn't have _her_ to keep him sane. He's mad at Liam for saying those things and he's mad at himself because it's true. And he feels like a coward for not admitting to it until someone shoved a paper in front of his nose and all the cracks he's been so good at ignoring suddenly became real, his fears tangible and printed in a font that looks too decent to ever convey lies.

He knows he should talk to Liam but he can't, knows that Niall and Harry and Louis worry even if they say they don't, even if Louis smiles at him and says that he knows Zayn would never do something like that. He feels dishonest when he says “of course I wouldn't” and follows it up by doing exactly what Liam claimed he's done - withdraws from the rest to spend time with his girlfriend. He knows it isn't fair, especially when there's things they need to talk about, but he can't explain that to them, can't let them know that this is what keeps him from losing his mind, this is what keeps him _there_. She's not what's going to destroy One Direction, but rather what holds it together, and that's (part of) why he's sweet on her.

It doesn't explain why later that night, after he's talked to her, after she listened and comforted him and told him that he's a good person, when she's said all the right things to calm him down, he finds himself feeling like a liar for the first time when he tells her "I love you". 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I struggled with ending this chapter right, even after rewriting it 10+ times I'm not quite satisfied, but I hope you'll like it nonetheless <3

_I miss you._

Zayn receives the text three days into his argument with Liam, an argument that has been silent up until that point. They still talk when they're forced to, joke around on camera when interviewers ask them the same mundane questions they always do. They play about on stage when they give little sneak preview performances of their tour – a hundred people crammed into a small venue that makes Zayn think of bands starting out and how they never got to do that, how they were launched as Britain's New Boy Band. He thinks that maybe things'd be easier if they had done all of it together beforehand, had done the garage band, living rough, over the moon kind of elated with any gig at all kind of thing. Maybe if they had things would be different. Maybe he wouldn't have needed Liam so much because things would've been less overwhelming.

He knows it's not that simple. That he wants Liam at least as much as he needs him, but with things the way they are he'd be happy to get rid of at least one of those cravings, even if he has to fool himself into thinking that once he figures out _what_ he needs Liam for he can substitute him with something else. He's done it with cigarettes (albeit not very successfully), it's a proven method, so if he just _tries_.

He hasn't spoken to Liam in any sort of private setting because he's still angry and because underneath that anger he's terrified. Of finding out that he still _needswantscraves_ Liam as much as he ever did. He has his girl and she's great and he wants to be happy, _is_ happy when they're together, but at what cost? He thought he could be Zayn-Liam's-friend and Zayn-with-a-girlfriend but those two don't seem compatible with being Zayn-from-One-Direction.

It feels like no matter what he wants, he can't be all three. He can be Zayn-from-One-Direction and Zayn-with-a-girlfriend but that means he can't be Zayn-Liam's-friend. It's what's been happening recently, what causes him to draw more towards Niall or Harry because they're the ones that ask the least amount of questions and seem happy to be around him even if things are strained in the band as a whole right now. He hates it and he wants to fix it, but he doesn't know if he can manage, because the only workable combination he sees is for him to go back to being Zayn-from-One-Direction and Zayn-Liam's-friend.

He can't be Zayn-Liam's-friend and Zayn-with-a-girlfriend because even if he wouldn't feel like a total prick for leaving the band he knows that Liam would never forgive him. Would never understand because Zayn can't _explain_.

But cutting out his girlfriend – though arguably the best choice – isn't something he can easily do either. Not just because he cares for her, but because going back to being Zayn-only-ever-Liam's-friend makes him want to curl up and cry, because he remembers all too well how it feels.

Liam's text doesn't help, and Zayn goes out and finds the nearest tattoo parlor and comes out with a small moth tattooed on the inside of his wrist because no matter what he decides he needs _something_ to ground him.

 

*

 

Liam doesn't know why he sent that text, but he spends the afternoon alternating between wanting to tell him to ignore the message and wanting to text him again because he was supposed to respond. He keeps playing with his cell but the obvious miserable look on his face keeps the others from teasing him about his sudden mobile-phone-abandonment-issues. They're careful around him though, and Liam hates it, hates how he wants to snap at Harry when the other nearly trips over his bag, how his nostrils flare when Niall nearly hits him with a pillow. It's not fair to them, he knows, and he knows that he should talk to them about things, explain why he's so off lately, but he doesn't know where to start.

And he thinks they know, anyway.

His phone buzzes and his heart skips and maybe Louis starts saying something but Liam is too busy reading and re-reading those simple words.

_I'm still here._

 

*

 

He's been stalling, postponing his return to the hotel they're staying in while they finish up the last of their pre-tour things, get their outfits fitted and their routines down, things Zayn could do in his sleep (which is great because he hasn't been sleeping and terrible because it means he doesn't have to stop thinking even when he's going through the entire set-list). The coffee in the small bar isn't bad but it isn't great, and Zayn knows that his bodyguards are irritated with him for dragging his feet, but he can't leave until he knows what to say to Liam, knows how to respond to the new text he received while the tattoo gun was buzzing.

 _We both know that's not true_ , it says, and Zayn wishes that Liam could just let things be simple for once. He contemplates the words over another cup of coffee, erases _I don't know what you want from me_ before he can let himself be tempted to send that in reply. _I don't know what to say_ doesn't make it to his outbox either, and a third coffee and a toilet break and three glares from his bodyguards later Zayn still doesn't have the answer as he's herded back to the hotel.

 

*

 

 _I wish things were easy_ , his phone tells him, minutes before Zayn shuffles through the door, a sheepish smile the only acknowledgment he gives Liam. It's more than he's had for days but it reminds Liam more than ever how much things have changed, and maybe that's what prompts him to text back, the buzzing sound of Zayn's phone making him feel silly for the way his heart just tripped. Liam suddenly isn't sure if he wants him to check it while he's in the room or not, finds himself clearing his throat and gathering the rest up for their late-afternoon meeting so he doesn't have to watch Zayn dig into his pocket, doesn't have to _see_ how he responds to those painfully honest words.

_I miss how things used to be between us_

Liam can't stop looking at Zayn all throughout the meeting, though he at least tries to stick to subtle glances and peripheral vision. He tries to read his body language, his expression, wishes he could crawl inside his head and find out why he keeps touching his left wrist like that – he doesn't know if it means something but it feels like he _should_ know, like all this time Zayn has spent watching him should have taught Liam at least a few things about him. No matter how hard he tries though, he can't read him like he used to claim he could, and he wonders now if that was ever true, if he ever _really_ saw through the stoic exterior Zayn put up.

He tries to figure out what that means for their friendship, whether Zayn considers him a lousy friend, if Liam's last text made him scoff because _how things used to be_ might have been comfortable for Liam but it was never anything short of painful for Zayn. Much as he doesn't want to think about it, he can't help but torment himself with the thought that that's why Zayn gave up on him. That it wasn't the girlfriend at all, maybe Zayn just realized that Liam wasn't all that he'd imagined him to be, because he failed to see what was right in front of him all along. It makes his stomach hurt and his temples throb and he wants to hug Zayn because he can't even stand _weeks_ of wanting Zayn to see him, to see the possibilities, let alone imagine the months (years) that Zayn has kept quiet about. He wants to call out his name, interview be damned, wants him to look up so their eyes can lock and he can tell him _I see it now_ , and _let me know you_ and maybe _I'm so sorry_.

But Zayn doesn't look at him once.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the angstiest chapter so far, but things should be looking up soon :3
> 
> for Zeto - again, because bedtimes mean nothing when there's Ziam!

“Is that really what you want?” Zayn asks him after the interview, tries to keep his voice steady though he finds his eyes have a hard time locking with Liam's. They're in their hotel room again and it's neither the right time nor the right place but he can't keep himself from wanting to know. “For things go to back to how they used to be?” They two of them are sat on the bed together and the other boys are being a tad too loud for it to be normal, but Zayn is grateful for both their presence and the privacy they allow them.

 “ _Yes?”_ Liam says, but he frowns like he's not sure, and he changes his mind mid-nod, venturing a just as questioning _“No?”_ with an accompanied head shake.

 Zayn picks at his sock and nods like he understands, but he can't even think right now. He feels like he hasn't been able to breathe ever since he read that text, like he's just stumbled through on auto-pilot, barely remembering a word that's been said at their meeting because he couldn't shake the feeling that Liam was looking at him. He didn't check, wasn't sure if he really wanted to know, because it's yet one more thing that he can't make sense of.

 He wishes he sent that text now, the first one where he at least asked Liam what he wanted from him. It's impossible to do it in person, and even if he tells himself that he can always text Liam later he knows that he won't, that he'll text _her_ instead because even if she doesn't know why he needs her so much she doesn't seem to mind.

 Zayn wonders if Liam would mind. He never used to, but then Zayn always held back. He's always been so careful, crafting a reality in which it was enough to be Liam's friend, perfecting the details until he could almost fool himself. It's why there _is_ no going back, because he knows now, he's seen how fake it all was, and no amount of willpower can undo that. There's no blue pill that will make the story end, that will let him wake up tomorrow morning with a firm belief that he only loves Liam like a friend, and he wonders what it says about him that just one smile from the other would make him choose red over blue time and again.

 “ _I just-”_ Liam starts, and as much as Zayn wants to hear what Liam 'just' he finds that he can't do it. Call him a coward, but he doesn't think he can face this conversation, not now. It's the calm before the storm, that moment of perfect clarity, of _everything's going to change_ and Zayn suddenly finds himself panicking because _what if_.

 

What if Liam tells him that all he wants is to be his friend?

What if Liam tells him that he wants him back?

 

The first, although painful, is at least familiar. It'd leave him with questions he'd been asking himself for months, things he needs to find out and sort out but that always come back to _do I love Liam more than I love myself_. Can he deal with it, again, now that he knows Liam knows?

 Because he knows. That, at least, is something Zayn has been able to figure out. Liam knows that Zayn has-had-has feelings for him.

 It leaves him one step ahead of Zayn, who can't find a definitive answer for the others feelings. He used to be convinced that it was one-sided, that Liam loved him but never in the way he wanted, never quite enough, but lately he isn't so sure. It could be that Liam is just more aware of him now, now that he knows about Zayn's secret crush, but the way he's been acting is out of character for Liam, who would be apologetic and _careful_ if he didn't at least have some kind of feelings for him. Liam isn't an asshole – not on purpose, at least – he wouldn't jerk Zayn around, even unintentionally. He wouldn't hug him and text him _I miss you_ out of fear of being misleading.

 Yet Zayn refuses to fully believe that Liam could ever return his feelings. A lot of that has to do with the fact that Liam never showed interest in any male, didn't show interest in _Zayn_ until Zayn stopped giving him attention, but at the same time he can't believe that Liam would confuse liking attention with liking the person who provides him with it.

 Even _if_ Liam had suddenly had an epiphany and has discovered his sexuality is more fluid than either of them knew (or maybe just didn't account for people called Zayn Malik and oh, he likes that thought more than he should), where does that leave them? Where does that leave _him_ , when he's not sure he's good enough?

 In that respect, things haven't changed all that much since the X-factor days, and neither has the way he handles the risk of making a fool of himself. Zayn is terrified of trying things he's not sure he can do, he'd rather withdraw from something – even if it means the world to him – than take a shot at something he wants, only to crash and burn. Simon talked sense into him back then, and ever since he made it through bootcamp it's always been Liam who gave him that shove (that confidence) he needed.

 But Liam seems as insecure as he is, and Zayn shakes his head because he _can't_ , the risk is too big, yes things are falling apart now but at least they're _familiar_ , at least they're known and he knows where he stands and he can _figure things out_.

 

“That's fucked up, you know that?” His words don't have to be loud to make Liam flinch, and Zayn feels a strange kind of satisfaction at hurting him, even if his stomach clenches. There's a hush to the room that wasn't there before, one that tells him – even before he can feel the skin at the back of his neck start to prickle – that all eyes are on him right now, on the way he pushes off the bed and tries to put distance between him and Liam (so maybe he can't hurt him with his words, or maybe Liam can't hurt him).

 “That's really messed up and _cruel_ , Liam, because you _know_ how I felt about you. You want me to go back to that? To looking at you and _wantinghopingprayingwishing_ you'd look back? Back to feeling fuckin' _miserable_ because I'm in love with my best mate and he can't even be bothered to look at me long enough to notice?” Forget that he's tried to keep it from showing, it showed and the whole world knew and how could Liam not have seen unless he never even spared Zayn a second thought?

 He dimly hears Louis speak up, hears him say _“Zayn”_ but he doesn't sound like he wants to shut him up. He sounds like he wants nothing more than to come over and wrap his arms around him, but Zayn shakes his head again, wildly this time. He can't do this. He can't let Louis comfort him because he'll end up crying and they'll have to take sides and Liam is _not_ the bad guy even if part of Zayn wants to hate him, wants everyone to hate him. “It's fine.” He says, but the words fall flat and Zayn isn't even sure he knows what he's trying to say right now. “I'm fine.” He whirls back around to Liam, who sits on the bed and blinks up at him with those stupidly expressive puppy-dog eyes, and Zayn's heart breaks a little bit more when he sees him, when he can all too clearly imagine the marks his words have left on him. “Fuck you Liam Payne” He says, and it's weak, but Liam recoils nonetheless and Zayn hates him, he truly does. But he also loves him and he hates himself and he has to _go_.

 He wonders what it says about the future of One Direction that they let him.  


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ended up not using the snippet I posted somewhere in the comments, but it'll definitely find its way into the story at some point. Originally there was going to be more to this chapter but I decided to split it into two chapters so I can do the dialogue in the next part more justice without sacrificing the mood in this chapter :)

Liam would have gone straight after him if the other boys had let him, but Louis grabs his wrist and the way he shakes his head seems so _sad_ that Liam stops thinking about himself and how all he wants is for Zayn to understand. Instead he lets the others lead him back to the bed, and even if he can't accept Niall's hug or Harry's look of sympathy without feeling like he doesn't deserve their compassion, he is grateful for it. Doubly grateful when Louis squeezes the back of his neck and tells him not to worry, that he'll go find Zayn and that things will work out. He wants to grab his sleeve and tell him – _anything_ – but Louis merely smiles and nods and says that he knows, and Liam wishes that things were as simple for him as they seem to be for the oldest member of their band.

Zayn is quiet when he comes back to the room a few hours later, but even if he doesn't speak to Liam, he doesn't seem to radiate that anger that Liam failed to realize he'd almost grown accustomed to over the last couple of days, so Liam decides to take that as a hopeful sign – and makes a mental note to talk to Louis or at least do something to show his appreciation.

The rest of the night goes by quickly and quietly, but the moment Liam wakes up the next morning he realizes that the knots in his stomach have refused to disappear over the night. He only has to shift his head a little to the side to see Zayn's form on a nearby bed, but what he doesn't expect is to see Zayn's awake too, and looking back at him. He's too far away for Liam to really read the expression in his eyes, but when he tries for a smile and a tentative “Hey” Zayn nods at him and whispers back a just as quiet _“hi”_.

They spend what feels like half an hour just looking at each other, but Liam figures it's probably no more than a few minutes. It's half sizing each other up – waiting for the other to make a move – and half just saying hello, letting eyes discover things about one another that they might've missed in the past few weeks. Liam notices the dark circles under Zayn's eyes and he wonders if he even slept at all, he notices the way he absently brushes a thumb over his wrist again, how he seems to pause between breaths sometimes like he wants to say something or like he's trying to figure out whether or not it's okay to lie here and look at him.

Liam wants to tell him what he realized during the interview, wants to say _'please let me see you'_ but maybe it's in his eyes because he can see the corner of Zayn's mouth twitch a little in the early morning light. He sees him biting down onto his bottom lip too, like he isn't quite sure if he should be smiling, and Liam is overwhelmed by the urge to cross the distance between them and press his lips to that smile, because it should _always_ be there.

He finally just whispers “I'm sorry” and Zayn nods again, like Liam is absolved with just those two words, but he knows that isn't true. Figures that Zayn will pretend it is, but Liam's sick of pretending, even if it's easier, even if it's smarter. He's sensible, yes, but _the good of the band_ is no excuse for him to sweep everything under the rug and go back to the way things were, like he knows Zayn is afraid he wants. Liam wants to shake him for it because how _can_ he, it's not something he can forget or unsee, and does Zayn really think that little of himself that he thinks Liam can just pretend nothing's changed and that his best mate hasn't been hurting because of him?

 

Somewhere in between last night and this morning Liam has had to acknowledge that maybe he didn't think this through, maybe he hadn't understood just how difficult things would be. It's not a pretty thing to have to admit to, but deep down he has to accept that part of him expected Zayn to wait. To smile at him when Liam finally noticed him and from there on out it'd be easy. Because Zayn loves him and Liam's pretty sure he loves him back, and that was the whole thing, wasn't it? That was what kept them from being together, he needed a wake-up call and then everything'd work out.

Despite the fact that his world sometimes feels like a fairytale, like too-good-to-be-true and happily-ever-after all wrapped into one whirlwind of a career, Liam has had to concede that things aren't quite that simple. That he's hurt Zayn without meaning to, that maybe they missed their cue. Maybe instead of a wake-up call they really only had _one_ chance and he missed it.

He struggles to breathe, to come to terms with the possibility that he'll never have Zayn the way he was never aware he wanted, and when he next looks up Zayn is standing at the side of his bed, shoulders slightly hunched over as though he expects to be turned down, but he's extended his hand to him. _“Come on”_ He murmurs, and Liam lets him lead him to the balcony where the cold February air nips at his skin and makes him feel cold and desperate and yet _new_ too when Zayn lights a cigarette and almost smiles at him.

“I don't want things to be like they were, Zee” He says, and he finds himself looking at Zayn then not looking because he's scared of the reaction he'll get. And _that's_ what he wants back. That knowledge that Zayn loves him, that nothing will come between them. That understanding that he took for granted, and his heart trips over apology after apology but none make it to his lips. Instead he says “I just miss you. I miss _us_ , and I know that it's not fair to ask for that back because you were miserable then and you're happy now but-” Liam shrugs his shoulder, unable to find a good enough reason for why he _does_ want it despite knowing the heartache it caused and will cause. “It'd be different this time” He finds himself pleading, eyes stuck on the way Zayn lifts his cigarette, something he's always hated and loved and even more so now when he wishes he could find whatever Zayn's chasing at the end of his smoke. Wishes that they could both find it, because as much as Liam wants Zayn he's scared too. Scared like Louis confided in him Zayn is. “Zayn”

Zayn shakes his head, taps the cigarette with his fingers so the embers spark and the burnt bits are gifted to the wind to toy with. _“You don't know what you're asking for”_ He says quietly, and Liam is halfway to protesting before he gives the words some pause. “Maybe I don't” It comes out grudgingly, like he wants to stomp his feet and tell Zayn that it doesn't matter, but it does. They both know it does. “Maybe I don't, Zayn, you're right. I don't know what'll happen from here on out, neither of us do. But – isn't it happening regardless? You're here, I'm here, we can't pretend nothing's changed.”

“ _Why not?”_ Zayn asks, but it's a rhetorical question, one that Liam finds himself answering all the same. “Because I don't _want_ to.” He moves then, covers Zayn's hand with his where it's curled around the balcony, and he can feel the strain in his muscles, the twitch that says he wants to pull away. “Because things are only going to get worse if we don't deal with this.” It's gentler this time, and Zayn huffs out a breath that's mingled with smoke but he doesn't draw back from Liam and leave.

“ _I don't know how to do this”_ Zayn admits, and it's Liam's turn to nod this time. “That's okay” He says, even though it's anything but. It's not fair to ask him to dump his girlfriend for him, because even if he hates the mere thought, she might be good for him. He might love her. And maybe in that respect nothing will change, or things will only get harder if he 'fesses up, but he has to. “I'm in love with you” He hears Zayn's tiny aborted noise but Liam squeezes his hand and looks at him. Zayn swallows like he's about to protest, but he doesn't look away when Liam brings a hand to his cheek and forces their eyes to meet, wills him to see the truth in his eyes if he can't believe the earnest tone of his voice. “I'm in love with you, Zayn.”

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are a lot of unanswered questions from both parties, which will hopefully be answered in this and the next (few) update(s).
> 
> Thank you all so very much for your lovely words ♥

Zayn shakes his head like he wants to argue, but the words never make it past his lips. Instead he gives Liam's hand a little squeeze, like that is answer enough and maybe it is but he knows that they've been relying on non-verbal communication for far too long. As difficult as this may be, things need to be _said_. He knows it's one of the reasons Liam just confessed to being in love with him (and if that's not a _need to pinch myself holy fuck I must be dreaming_ moment he doesn't know what is), though he also knows Liam well enough to know that he wouldn't say it solely for that reason. 

_“I know you're with someone”_ Liam says cautiously, and Zayn nods, because as much as part of him would love to pretend that there's nothing holding him – them – back, he has a girlfriend and he loves her and she doesn't deserve being hurt. And Liam knows that bringing her up only lessens his chances and it's part of why Zayn will always be in love with him, because despite the fact that he called him selfish Liam can be anything but.

They're still holding hands and Zayn can't help but feel like he should feel worse about it than he does. Or maybe better. It's not something he's supposed to do with someone that's not his, it feels more intimate than hugging or even the playful pecks he gives Harry sometimes, but while he appreciates that this _means_ something, it doesn't make his heart race even if it's Liam's fingers threaded through his. The part of him that's quietly elated at Liam finally reciprocating his feelings is snowed under by fear and worry and uncertainty, because for the first time it seems like the decision is up to _him_ now.

_“Zayn”_ Liam sounds worried, and Zayn looks up, sees the anguish in his eyes before he realizes how quiet he's been since his confession. He wonders if Liam wants to hear it back, wonders if that's what he _expected_. “I don't know” He says slowly, and that's not an answer, not something that even works as a reply but Liam is kind enough to nod like it is. He seems to hesitate for a moment before untangling their fingers and the fact that that little movement hurts the way it does (hurts with this intensity, after all these years of telling himself _no_ , of forcing himself to _get over it, you git_ ) makes Zayn reach back for him, makes him look carefully away as he laces their fingers because it suddenly feels like it means _more_ now.

His heart is beating so loudly that he wonders if Liam can feel the pulse fluttering underneath the skin of his fingertips, if that's why Liam squeezes back and shifts to press a hip against the balcony, not quite in Zayn's personal space but not too far away either, which is exactly what he needs. Zayn is quiet as he looks at him, watches Liam watch him until the questions become too much and he has to drop his gaze again. It isn't until he catches sight of their joined hands that he realizes his thumb has been stroking Liam's knuckles, and that, all of it, it means something, Zayn is pretty sure. The answers to his questions are in the way Liam's skin feels underneath his thumb, so familiar and known and natural that he didn't even notice it was happening, like Liam is a part of him and Zayn's skin is Liam's skin. They're in the way Liam doesn't press for answers even though Zayn can tell by his breathing that he wants so badly to ask, and maybe they're in the way that he knows that, too.

 

_“I can wait”_ is what Liam says after seconds stretch into minutes, after the sky has lost its orange hue and birds in a nearby tree have started up a hesitant chorus of _good morning world_. Zayn finds himself nodding again before he realizes, but he doesn't know what else to do. It still feels surreal, no matter how solid Liam's palm is pressed against his. Part of him is doubting everything, the way he's done for so long. Even when he had himself utterly convinced that Liam knew, he'd lose that confidence just as quickly. One look, one glance, or the absence of one, and Zayn found himself back at square one, trying desperately to latch onto something that made _sense. “Just-”_ and this time Zayn doesn't run away, even if the word sounds ominous, even if he's worried that whatever Liam will say next will only add to the chaotic jumble of his thoughts. He doesn't think he can handle being forced to make a decision, not when Liam is here, because part of him will always jump at the chance, no questions asked, and that's not fair for everyone involved. Liam, Zayn, his girl, either one or all of them could get hurt, and that is the simplest possible equation because in reality there is far more at stake. There are three people just a glass door away from them that deserve to weigh in on this, and though Zayn won't exactly call a band meeting about whether or not he should date Liam, he knows that he needs to take his time. 

Thankfully, Liam seems to know too, because rather than putting pressure on him, he seems respectful of the situation, of how difficult things are for Zayn right now. _“How did you do it?”_ He asks, and Zayn looks up at him, wants to brush his fingertip over the corner of his eye where Liam looks tired and strained and hurt – all vindictive pleasure at their role reversal long ebbed away. “Do what?” He asks, and he feels Liam shrug, feels his fingers twitch against his before his eyes capture the movement. _“Deal with it, I suppose”_ He sounds somewhat shy, even a little embarrassed, as he continues, words coming faster now like Zayn's look is enough to spur him on, tongue almost tripping over the words until Zayn squeezes his hand again and Liam calms down. _“_ _How could you stand being so close to someone you wanted so badly but couldn't have? How did you convince yourself that it was enough to be just friends?”_

Zayn colors guiltily, lashes fluttering as he averts his gaze, gives Liam's hand another squeeze to reassure him, let him know that he'll answer once he's found the right words. It's hard to explain, because even now he doesn't know how he stood it sometimes, how he managed to continue on for so long and even succeeded in being there for Liam throughout his entire relationship with Danielle. He could try and explain, about locking away the parts of him that were too fragile to be caught on camera, the bits and pieces that he's always kept close to his chest because Zayn has never been the type of person to share everything he is with someone else. He could try and find some metaphor for the archiving system he's successfully implemented since the start of One Direction, tell Liam all about how he sorts things in his head, weighs pros and cons and shuts away the parts of him that aren't necessary for whatever he's meant to be doing, but despite all of that, despite his coping mechanisms and his ability to fool himself into thinking he could handle it, he never has been able to truly deal with being so close to Liam until she came around.

So that's what he says, voice careful, fingers tightening around Liam's because this will hurt and he doesn't mean for it to, he doesn't mean to throw it in his face how hard it's been and how hard it still is (albeit for different reasons), and just _thinking_ of Liam doing the same makes him want to scream, but-

 

“I got a girlfriend.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am far far too hyper to be writing because I'm gonna try to get tickets to the 1D concert tomorrow, but I'm also far too awake to be doing anything as useful as sleeping, so there we go

"Oh" Liam breathes, and Zayn bites down on his lip, shrugs.  _"Yeah"_. Liam watches him hunch in on himself and he wants to wrap his arms around him and tell him it's okay, but he's suddenly not sure if he has the right. He wants to tell him that he understands even if he's not too sure he does, needs more time to wrap his head around the fact that Zayn is with her because he couldn't be with him - which should make him happy because it should mean that she's no longer necessary now that he  _can_ have him, but Liam senses it's not that easy anymore. That regardless of why they started dating, Zayn's girl means more to him now than just a buffer between him and Liam. 

"I'm glad" He says, for lack of anything else to say, but he finds that he means it, even if Zayn looks up in surprise. "I mean-" He flushes now too, brushes his hand over his scalp like he did so many times after he'd just buzzed it all off, an odd sort of reminder that things change and people change and Liam Payne can change too, but at the same time that few things are irreversible. Hair grows back, hearts get mended, people move on. He doesn't want Zayn to move on but if he has, Liam should be happy for him. Is happy for him, in this heartbroken sad country music kind of way. When he was younger he used to ask his mum how those songs could be talking about love when they made it sound like it hurt so much, and his mum would tousle his hair and tell him that love can be hard but it's worth it too, and Liam had figured that she must know because mums know everything, even things that don't make sense to young boys. It's too cliche to say that it all makes sense now, but the quiet melancholy that those songs provided seems a lot less distant in this moment, where everything is beautiful and Zayn's hand is in his but he doesn't belong with him. "It hurts. It does. And I can't even imagine how bad it must've been for you, to go through that, all this time. So if she helped.  _Helps_."

Zayn fumbles to light a cigarette, loathe to let go of Liam's hand and Liam wants to smile despite the topic of conversation, cups his free hand around the cigarette so the embers spark, Zayn's breath warm on his skin as he exhales before taking that first drag.  _"I love her"_ Zayn says, and Liam nods this time because he doesn't need Zayn to convince him, doesn't need to start wondering if he's saying it to convince himself. The words linger on a bed of cigarette smoke that he wants to wave off but doesn't, his eyes instead on the way their fingers are still tangled, albeit looser now. He has the silly urge to tighten his grip before he loses him completely, but that feels ridiculous because Zayn is  _right here_ even if he's not.  _"But-"_ And he shrugs again, casts him a helpless look, one that should make Liam feel over the moon because it means Zayn hasn't really stopped wanting him, but it just makes him sad because the boy he's in love with is so unhappy right now, and no matter which way he twists it it feels like his fault.

"Do you-" Liam has to swallow, has to look down at their fingers again to find the strength. "I can forget about it, if you want." He wrinkles his nose and shakes his head before the words have fully dispersed in the morning air. "Well, no, that's a load of crap, but. Y'know."  _"You can pretend?"_ Zayn asks and Liam is relieved to hear that there's no judgment in his voice, no contempt. "Yeah." Zayn is mid-nod when he seems to realize what he's doing, then locks his eyes with Liam and shakes his head instead, deliberate and slow.  _"No"_ Liam is glad for it, but still, "But-" 

_"Don't."_

 

That's where their conversation ends, not because they get interrupted - though they eventually are, Niall stumbling out onto the balcony in just his boxers, exclaiming that it's bloody freezing and calling them nutters, Louis cackling as he shuts the door in an attempt to lock the three of them out - but they've been quiet for a while before that. It takes one long look between them for Liam to realize that Zayn doesn't know where they'll go from here, the set to his eyebrows betraying his confusion, guilt trickling into those brown eyes until eventually he has to look away. Liam lets him, even when Zayn at long last drops his hand down to where it rests on his thigh, fingers drumming against his shorts, when Niall spills out of the bedroom. 

Niall stops banging on the door and hurling insults at Louis when he notices neither of his band mates are backing him up, and he levels the both of them with a look.  _"Am I interruptin' something?"_ He asks, and Liam says "No" and Zayn says  _"Yes"_ and Niall replies  _"Okaaay"_ and starts pounding his fist against the glass again and calling Tommo to open up because  _I'm pretty sure the script says I'm not supposed to be in this scene_. Liam snorts and he can see Zayn's amused little smirk and while things aren't resolved they at least feel lighter, and Liam can only silently echo the drawled out  _"Thank God"_ that Harry utters when all three of them pile onto the carpet when Louis suddenly yanks the glass door back when they least expect it.

 

When Zayn's face falls later that day, after an interviewer mentions the recently printed article, Liam looks at him and smiles. His eyes never leave the others face even while he addresses the woman holding a mic in his face. "Me and Zayn? Nah, we're good." Zayn gives him this small smile that's just for him - one that you barely notice if you don't pay attention, because it's more in his eyes than in the slight quirk of his lips.

He draws a smiley face onto Liam's wrist when they're left alone for a minute, and when Liam asks what it's for, Zayn rolls up his sleeve and shows him the tiny moth that gets so easily overlooked with all the other tattoos adorning his arm.  _"It helps"_ is all he says, and when Liam presses his fingertip to the ink and mumbles something that's supposed to mean that markers fade and what if he needs a more permanent reminder, Zayn brushes his thumb over Liam's wrist bone and replies that he'll be there to retrace the lines before they vanish. He sounds a little upset when he says it, like he feels guilty for the prospect of having to remind him, for needing time to make up his mind, but Liam catches his eyes and smiles and softly replies "That's all I need."


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the concert sold out in 20 minutes :( so have some angst xD

Over the next week, Liam's smiley face gets replaced by a tiny flame that Zayn spends more time on than he should, but when he's pressing the marker to his wrist things seem to make more sense than at any other point in time. Maybe it's the way Liam offers up his skin without a second thought, the way he doesn't seem to mind if Zayn has to retrace the lines a million times over. When they're together like this, quiet and focused, knowing that they are thinking about the same thing, Zayn feels closer to him than he's done in months.

He's no less confused when he's alone though. Starts doubting himself again, even now that Liam has admitted to being in love with him. He still feels like it's too good to be true sometimes, like things this good don't just happen to a boy from Bradford. It's similar to the way he felt those first few months after X-factor ended, when he needed to pinch himself to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. It only took a glance at the other four – their stunned faces mirroring his own – to know that he wasn't the only one doubting his luck, though they've all had their own ways of adapting. Zayn's mostly has been to keep going instead of letting himself be thrown off by the sometimes sheer idiocy of it all, but ever so often he still wakes up and wonders if this is _really_ his life. Granted, it's pretty damn difficult to pull off a practical joke this big, but there's always been this niggling doubt at the back of his mind – when it wasn't the _is this real_ it'd be the _when does it end_ because all good things come to an end.

He's in a similar situation with Liam now, finds himself seeking out his eyes when they share a room, needs that quiet reassurance that he's still here, that they're still okay. Afraid as Zayn is of trading in their friendship for something more, he's just as scared that he'll wake up one day and Liam will have stopped looking at him again. But every morning without fail he opens his eyes to Liam smiling at him in a way that Zayn's body recognizes, that has him smiling back before he's fully awake.

 

Zayn isn't stupid, he knows that he has to make a decision sooner or later, even if Liam has taken to pressing his fingertips against Zayn's tattoo in a daily reminder that he'll wait, that he's letting him take as long as he needs. It feels unfair to draw this out, because he doesn't want to jerk anyone around and he doesn't want Liam or his girl to feel like they have to prove something to him, have to one up each other to compete for what Zayn feels really isn't a grand prize at all. He confesses this to Louis when they're tucked together in the back of a car, Harry fast asleep and Liam and Niall sharing the other car, Zayn takes advantage of the relative amount of privacy. “I just don't understand, Lou, how they can want me at all when it seems like I can't choose between them. How's that make me desirable when I make the both of them feel like they're not good enough to begin with?” He figures that if either of them reckoned they were more special to him they would've expected him to choose them by now, so doesn't the fact that he hasn't mean that Zayn considers neither to be his true love?

(Not that Zayn would call either of them his true love even when they were, because he's young and he understands love on a rational level, knows that it ends and it's all very pragmatic and sensible and he hides how the idea of being swept off his feet sounds far more alluring than it should be)

Lou curls an arm around him and tuts and has that face that he always has when he's about to deliver some bullshit line and have it sound like he's got a patent on logic, because no matter what he ends up saying it always makes people agree and look at him admiringly – not just the teenage girls that would nod understandingly and praise his every word even if he spoke Swahili. _“They know you're taking your time because you don't want to hurt either of them, not because you're too scared to choose.”_ And Zayn finds himself nodding along before he realizes it, thinks that the words make sense until he's in bed late at night and fears that he's got even Louis Tomlinson fooled because he's _terrified_.

 

When he finally talks to his girl about it it's not entirely by choice. He hasn't planned it but maybe that's the right way to deal with things because for all his planning he's held back the words for the past fortnight, even when she asks him if everything's alright. He can't say yes because it isn't but he can't say no because the things that are wrong are better than alright, they're just too much. They end up talking because she's perceptive as always, something Zayn loves because it usually means she'll say entirely the right things even without him having to ask.

“ _Baby?”_ She starts, and he frowns at her tentative tone, wiggles his fingers as the other boys as he points to the hallway, Liam's eyes on him something he can feel even after he's shut the door. The hallway of a hotel probably isn't the greatest place to have this conversation but he's loathe to cross into one of the other rooms they've been assigned because he knows that his band mates would try and be respectful and he might need one of them to barge in on him at some point in this conversation. “What's wrong?” He asks, and the way she sounds when she hums reminds Zayn of himself, of the way he'll try and postpone a conversation, downplay its significance. “C'mon love, it's me” He urges gently, and she makes that noise again, laughs but cuts herself short, sighs then instead. _“Liam”_ She starts, and it's oh so careful, tone almost apologetic, voice slow like Harry's is naturally, but in her case it means she's trying to find the right words to navigate between too much for him and too little for her. Zayn feels a pang of guilt, then a rush of fondness because at a time like this she's still looking out for him. _“He looks at you differently.”_

Zayn thumps his forehead against the wall, ignores the way Niall cracks the door open and peeks at him, barely hears the way it's shut again, gently but firmly. “Oh” He says, and in reply he gets a shivery exhale.

“ _You knew.”_

“Yeah”

 

He promised he wouldn't lie to her, but he wishes he would have in the too-long silence that follows, thickens, expands until he feels pressure on his ears that he associates with flying. _“When?”_ She asks, and Zayn finds himself shrugging though he knows she can't see. “I don't know” He answers, because he doesn't. “He came back from Christmas break and something had changed.”

For a moment he expects her to ask him how he knows that, how he can be sure that _that's_ what changed but she knows him better than that. She knows he's watched Liam for years, though her soft _oh_ also tells him that part of her thought he had stopped. His fingers itch for a cigarette, craving more physical than just the nicotine, he wants to be able to do something with his hands besides clench and unclench his fist and wonder if he'd feel less shitty if he punched the wall. _“Zayn?”_ She asks, and this time her voice is a little more neutral which just worries him even more, because he doesn't need memories of fights to know that she'll go quiet when she's hurt. They're alike in that sense, and in many more, though she has more courage than he has, and far more grace in the way she handles things. _“Did you-?”_

“No” This time, at least, his answer will not cause her further pain, or so he thinks, until he hears her low laugh. _“But you wanted to.”_

Zayn's forehead hits the wall again, hard enough to spark a bright hurt, to see little flashes in front of his eyes for a moment, flashes that turn to little flames like the ones he can see on Liam's wrist when he peeks out of the hotel room. His eyes are filled with concern while his fingers flex against the grip he has on the door, like he wants to reach out and touch and Zayn shakes his head and turns away and then back because he's already hurt one of them tonight. “Yes” He admits, sounding genuinely remorseful even as his hand reaches out to let a fingernail trace over the miniature lines drawn on Liam's wrist. Liam looks at him worriedly but doesn't make a move to touch him, just slips out of the room and kicks it shut with his foot, and Zayn gives him this hopeless look as he can hear his girl start to cry on the other end of the line. He wants to hide in Liam's arms until it stops hurting, but Liam looks anguished too, truly unhappy with the way things are playing out, and Zayn wants to kiss him for it because he's so goddamn perfect. The thought causes a rush of shame to pass through him, his fingers shaking as he winds them in Liam's shirt, another helpless glance making Liam wrap his arms around him in an attempt to offer comfort Zayn doesn't feel he deserves right now.

“I love you” He says, pleadingly, but he isn't sure who he says it to, and neither of them answer. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Moments" is such a Ziam song to me, especially for this chapter, Niall's verse is ridiculously accurate:
> 
>  
> 
> _Close the door_  
>  _Throw the key_  
>  _Don’t wanna be reminded_  
>  _Don’t wanna be seen_  
>  _Don’t wanna be without you_  
>  _My judgment's clouded_  
>  _Like tonight's sky_

It's hard, holding Zayn when he knows his girl is on the other end of the phone, crying. Liam feels guilty even though he can't hear her, feels like he has no right because she's still here, he's still hers even if it's not her arms around him right now. Zayn doesn't hang up despite the fact that he stiffens at every silence, then hiccups a tiny dry sob of his own when fresh tears fall on her side. All Liam can do is rub his back and rest his cheek against the side of Zayn's head that isn't pressed to the phone. Zayn still hasn't untangled his fingers from Liam's shirt but he sometimes twitches like he feels he should, and Liam finds himself discovering new meaning in lyrics he's sung a hundred times. _Trembling hands touch skin, it makes this harder_ – he's never felt it quite as intensely as he does right now, even when the trembling hands aren't his own and fabric separates them. His heart skips because it's Zayn and he's close and his scent reminds Liam of how everything at home always smelled too clean, like something was missing, but at the same time he feels like he should be a better person than this. Should want to push Zayn away because it's not fair that he can be the one to comfort him when she might do a better job of it. He's had more chances than she did and while that doesn't by any means guarantee that Zayn will choose him it still feels like they're not on even ground, like he's playing dirty simply because he's within touching distance.

During one of those seemingly endless minutes where there's no sound on the other end of the line, Liam pulls back so he can look at Zayn, resists the urge to brush away the teardrops that cling to Zayn's lashes. He mouths “Do you want me to -” and jerks his head towards the hotel room, but Zayn shakes his head determinedly, though he bites his lip like his own wants are warring with what he believes is right. There's anguish in his features and Liam can't do anything but hold on and hope that his arms around him aren't making it worse. 

They're quiet for a long time, and Liam almost wonders if she's exhausted herself crying when he can hear her voice, tinny through the cellphone and muffled against Zayn's ear. He doesn't catch what she says though Zayn sighs in response, makes an aborted sound the way he does when there's so much to say that he doesn't know where to start. In the end he just forces out a tired _“Yeah”_ , his forehead pressed against Liam's collarbone and his voice entirely too hopeful for Liam's tastes when he asks her if he can call her tomorrow. Again her answer is inaudible but Zayn doesn't freeze up in response so he figures she must've said yes – then changes his mind when he sounds almost defeated in the way he says _“Okay”_ and _“Goodnight”_ . His voice doesn't go down the way it usually does at the end of a sentence and Liam knows that this is usually the point in the conversation that Zayn would tell her he loves her, and from the silence through the speaker before their call is disconnected, she knows it too, was maybe even waiting for it. 

“I'm sorry” is the first thing Liam says when Zayn fumbles his phone back into his jeans pocket and Zayn shrugs in a way that makes it clear that he doesn't want to talk about things right now. Much as Liam does, this isn't about him, which is why he lets him go when the other boy shifts away. Zayn won't meet his eyes, tries to hide it in the way he's extracting a cigarette from the pack in his hand like Liam hasn't seen him do it without looking a million times. He feels wrong in letting him go like this but wrong in staying too, so he rocks forward onto his toes and presses a kiss to Zayn's forehead before shifting back, hands stiff at his sides when he turns around to head back into the hotel room to give him some privacy. 

The other boys are looking at him but Liam shakes his head, plops next to Niall and says “So, Mario Kart?” and doesn't count the amount of games it takes Zayn to join them in the room. 

 

The following night, Zayn excuses himself right after dinner, which he spent haphazardly pushing his food around on his plate, tells them with a tired smile that he'll _be around later, okay_ , and Liam tries not to panic when he doesn't meet his eyes as he shuffles out the door. Louis pinches his nipple and rather than get aggravated Liam is glad for the distraction and launches himself into a tickle fight that only ends when one of their feet upends Niall's plate into his lap. They're both panting and flushed and giggling when the door opens again, and Liam's pretty sure his smile has never disappeared as fast as it does at the sight of Zayn looking so despondent. Louis looks between them and throws himself at Harry who shrieks and tries to bat him away, and Niall takes what's left of his food and tries to bring it to safety, out of reach from flailing limbs. His mutters are low but not too low, but Liam can't pay attention to anything but Zayn, who's still stood by the door, surveying the scene with a calm that Liam suspects he so desperately wants to be real right now. He looks young, fragile, but Liam is afraid that wrapping his arms around him will only make him step back to evade his embrace, so he just sits there instead. His hand moves up to flatten tousled hair he sometimes still forgets isn't there anymore, and Zayn almost smiles. _“She wouldn't talk to me”_ He says, and Liam nods because no amount of I'm sorry's is going to take his pain away. 

“ _I kind of expected it, but -”_ Zayn shrugs, colors a little, and Liam nods again. “Do you want to be alone?” He asks, because it might not be need for company that drove Zayn to this room, though he's not hopeful enough to assume that Zayn just came to see him – which is hard when he looks at him like that. 

“ _Is it okay, I mean, can I ask -”_ He starts, bites his lip, stops himself, and Liam wants to reach out and touch him or shake him because anything and yes are the only answers he'll ever give him if Zayn needs something from him, and maybe that's stupid but it's love and Liam is _in_ love, deeper, harder, faster than he even realizes sometimes. Mostly it's a quiet buzzing under his skin but at certain moments it shoots straight up his bloodstream, makes him heady and unsure of which way is up, only that Zayn is always his destination no matter how often he's spun and sent to find north. Something in the way he looks at him must give Zayn an indication of how he feels, because he bites his lip to keep from smiling, ducks his head almost shyly for a moment. _“I do want to be alone. But. With you?”_

It shouldn't make sense but it does, and Liam smiles when he nods and stands up to follow him, offering a good night to the flurry of limbs on the carpet. Louis's bright red face is peeking out from underneath Harry's arm as he calls a fond _behave_ to them, and the way Zayn reflexively shoots him the finger before he leaves the room makes Liam a little less terrified of what's to come. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Zayn's girl finally has a name!  
> And the letter at the end is pretty much what I would write in that situation, lame jokes included.  
> Hope you like it and that there's still people besides Enza reading! ♥

Zayn can feel his heart jumping into his throat when he moves towards the hotel room he's claimed for the night, his palms sweaty no matter how many times he tries - inconspicuously - to dry them against his jeans. Liam doesn't mention it and Zayn is grateful, though he suspects that the silence is caused by nerves rather than manners. Swiping the key card through the lock proves to be a challenge, but not even his fumbled attempt at opening the door draws a laugh from his friend, and Zayn is half amused and half terrified as he closes the door behind them and turns to look at him. "We're not gonna-" He starts, and Liam nods perhaps a shade too quickly.  _"Of course"_ He replies, and Zayn breathes in sharply, feels as though he should be relieved that they're on the same page, but he's still scared and nervous and twitchy because they're not gonna but he  _wants_. "I can't" He says in lieu of an explanation, and Liam smiles this time.  _"Zee, I'd be disappointed in you if you could."_  

Zayn is pretty sure that just wanting it is disappointment enough, at least for his girl, but he's glad that Liam understands, that he's not only not asking for something Zayn can't give but that he believes Zayn is a better person than he feels he is right now. "Thanks" He says softly, locks the door then stands there awkwardly, trying not to look at the bed, which is ridiculous because it's just a  _bed_ but it's the bed he kind of wants to  _share_ with Liam even if they can't do anything. Liam surveys the room for a moment and Zayn tries to follow his gaze, tries to read into their surroundings the way Liam would - wonders what he'll make of the table he kicked over in his frustration, the shattered bedside lamp that he feels genuinely horrible about breaking. "I-" He starts again, falters because he doesn't know how to explain, and Liam smiles like he already knows.  _"Rock star"_ He teases, and Zayn finds himself smiling despite the situation. 

"Will you stay with me tonight?" He sounds so damn hopeful, which surprises Liam if his expression is anything to go by.  _"Of course"_ His answer sounds just as soft as Zayn's whispered question, though it grows stronger as he looks at him, as they look at one another.  _"Of course, Zayn."_ Zayn doesn't need to hear him say the rest, the  _any time_ so clear in the way he looks at him, the way he pushes their beds together without further comment. He's grateful to let Liam take the lead for a while, goes mindlessly through the menial tasks that prepare him for bed, thoughts too soft or maybe too fast to make it to the forefront of his brain, until he's in bed and Liam's arms are wrapped around him. It's odd, how normal it feels. How having Liam's arms around him doesn't feel new or exciting but comforting instead, making tension seep out through his pores until Zayn finds himself half-asleep. He fights to stay awake, mutters something that's supposed to convey an apology, but Liam laughs, soft and fond and so close to his ear, breath ghosting warm over his skin as he tells him  _"It's okay, go to sleep babe"_ and Zayn drifts off wondering if he's aware of the endearment that just slipped out.

 

He wakes up before dawn when his phone buzzes, his clumsy attempt at reaching for it nearly knocking the thing off the table, though he manages to grab it before he ends up breaking something else. Squinting at the too bright screen, Zayn barely makes out her name before he suddenly finds himself scrambling from the bed. Liam mumbles something but Zayn can't even tell him it's okay, words locked in his throat and he can't breathe because his girl texted him and suddenly spending the night in Liam's arms seems a whole lot less innocent. He meets Liam's eyes when they look at him sleepily - then sharply when they notice the wild expression on his face - but Zayn just shakes his head and makes a vague motion in the direction of the balcony, and if it weren't for Liam gesturing towards a blanket he would've gone out there in just his underwear. 

The text is short, simply reading:  **I emailed you** , and Zayn growls in frustration when the internet on his phone won't load fast enough. He tries to breathe in through his nose and out through his mouth as he thumbs in his password, then in through his mouth and out through his nose when he can't remember if he's doing it right, but neither calm him down or make him feel like he can get enough oxygen into his body to sustain his vital functions, which might explain why he's lightheaded and has trouble adjusting the size of his email inbox when he finally opens up her e-mail. It's a wall of text even in tiny print and his dark eyes eagerly scan the words, blanket slipping off his shoulder as he manipulates the screen to show more of her letter to him, the cold going unnoticed - as does the boy throwing him worried glances from the bed.

There are goosebumps on his skin by the time he finishes reading, his breath coming out in small visible puffs, and tears cling to his lashes even if he feels lighter than he's done in weeks. Glancing up, Zayn finds Liam looking at him - then not looking, and even through the glass he can see the beginnings of a blush creep up on those cheeks. It makes him smile, Liam so familiar in the way he ducks his head and stares pointedly at his fingers, and he untangles his cold limbs from the chair, body already longing for the warmth of their bed and maybe even Liam's arms. Any attempt at holding up the blanket is abandoned the moment he slides the glass door shut, and he has to stop himself from dive bombing into the warm sheets that still smell like sleep, forces himself to walk over almost casually, like he isn't vibrating with a mixture of nerves and anticipation and eagerness. Liam merely watches as he folds himself into the blankets, pulls them up to his nose before handing the phone to his friend, all patience and acceptance, though he frowns when Zayn drops the phone into his hands.  _"Are you sure?"_ He asks, and Zayn briefly wonders if he's scared of reading what she's said. He can't hear it in his voice but he sees the worry lines around Liam's eyes as he bends over the tiny screen without waiting for Zayn's reply, eyes already scanning her words.

 

 _Dear Zayn_ , the letter starts

_Let me start by saying that you don't need to reply to this e-mail. I know you'll want to, because you're that kind of guy, you're always going to want to try and make me feel better, and I love that about you, but I think that once I finish this letter I've said everything I can on the matter._

_Truth is, I'm afraid that you'll change my mind if you answer and I can't let you do that. Not for myself, but not for you either._

_I love you Zayn. You know I do, and I hope you can understand that what I'm doing right now is because of that. I've thought long and hard about this since our conversation (and, in the spirit of honesty, before that too) and I've decided that I can no longer be your girlfriend. Knowing you, you're nodding along right now because **of course** I can't, how can I ever trust you again after you admitted to still having feelings for Liam - but it's not like that. I'm not breaking up with you because you have feelings for him, because I think that deep down I've always known you hadn't quite managed to forget about him. I know you well enough too, to know that you wouldn't cheat on me even now that Liam returns your feelings, even if my question to you might have made you think differently._

_You love me too, I know that. And that you're probably feeling really guilty about everything that's happened. Maybe even torn, because you want Liam and Liam wants you but you don't want to hurt me. And you want me too, because just guilt wouldn't have been enough to make you stay with me. That probably sounds awful but I think it's a good thing, I think that if you genuinely thought I was better off without you (because you couldn't love me the way I wanted you to), you would have broken up with me._

_Maybe you're wondering why I'm deciding this for you, and honestly, I've kept going back and forth about it, I'm still not sure even as I'm writing this, but...I want you to be happy. You **deserve** to be happy Zayn. Yes, breaking up with you means that I know for a fact that you'll never choose me, that I might never know if we could have worked out if I'd stuck with it, but breaking up with you also means that you won't have to keep going like this. It's not right to keep going when your heart is torn in two, it's not fair to ask that from you no matter how much part of me wants to. _

_I know you weren't just with me because you couldn't have Liam, but I've never doubted that you would never have dated me if he had returned your feelings. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it won't work out, but you never know until you try. I think he could make you happy, and that's all I ever wanted for you._

_I wanted to make you happy, and I like to believe that for a while, I did. But right now the best thing I can do for you is to let you go, even if part of me wants to scream that it's not true, that I can still try harder, that we can still make it work. Deep down though, I know that this is for the best. That if I truly love you - and I do - I should do what's right for you, not just what's right for us. I want to believe I'm making the right choice, so please don't try and change my mind. Don't call me and tell me that you love me, don't try and convince me that it's not as easy as all this, I **know**. It's okay, alright? Not e-mailing me back doesn't mean that you don't care. It doesn't mean that I wasn't good enough._

_Be happy, Zayn, okay? Whether that's with him or not, just promise me that you'll do what makes you happy. You deserve it._

_(And, well, it'd be kind of an asshole move if you didn't go for what you wanted after I pretty much broke my own heart for you to be able to, but no pressure!)_

_I know that everyone says 'let's stay friends' when they break up and that nine times out of ten it doesn't happen, or it's awkward and painful. But keep this number and this e-mail, okay, because even if I can't promise you it'll be soon, I'm going to want to be a part of your life._

_(And dibs on the best man position at your wedding, and yes, I know, bad time for jokes but I think I've rather had enough of crying. So bear with me)_

_All my love,_

_\- Ellie_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we come to the end, though there _might_ be an epilogue after this.  
>  When I started writing this I had no idea where it would go or when it would end, but ever since the previous chapter I've felt that this would be the last part. As they say, every end is a new beginning, and this is where _ZaynandLiam_ start.

Liam is quiet for a long time after he finishes reading her e-mail. He sits there, in what is suddenly _their_ bed, blankets bunched up around his waist, the phone cradled in his large hands. Zayn is pressed to his side though only the back of his head is visible and Liam wonders if he's crying into the pillow. He isn't shaking with sobs or making any sound but that's never been the way Zayn cries so he doubts things would change now. Even when he's distraught he's quiet, never wanting to draw attention to himself or make people go out of their way to take care of him and Liam knows that that's why Ellie was so good for him. She seemed to know, no matter how far apart they were, and he finds himself worrying that he can't do that for him. It took him years to even see what was right in front of him and what if he ends up letting him down?

“ _Li?”_ Zayn asks quietly, and Liam glances to where Zayn has shifted enough to look at him, wrinkles on his face from where the pillow pressed into it and _oh_. “You're still you” He blurts out, and Zayn looks amused, albeit slightly confused. _“Yes?”_ He ventures, unsure of what they're talking about, but Liam's smile is enough to coax out one of his own, however brief. The weight of the phone in his hands brings him back to the present, makes him scold himself silently for even thinking that far ahead when there's this girl, this beautiful, magnificent, utterly _decent_ girl that broke her own heart because she loved her boyfriend so much that she wanted better for him than to have to suffer through this. “She's-” He starts, then bites his lip because he doesn't have words for it, for how she did something Liam's not sure he could ever do.

“ _Yeah”_ Zayn agrees, and he sits up now, carefully extracts the phone from Liam's fingers and puts it on the bedside table. _“She is.”_

“What if I'm not-” This time he stops himself because he's not sure that they're ready for this conversation, that he can refer to what they might end up becoming and how Liam fears that he won't match up. He can't ask Zayn _what now_ when he's sure Zayn doesn't know either, nor can he find the right words to explain that he feels maybe _he_ should have been the one to back away, because Ellie was his girlfriend and Liam had no rights to him, especially after everything he's put Zayn through.

“ _You are”_ Zayn replies softly, and while Liam feels comforted by the hand that comes to rest on his cheek he also feels like an idiot and an asshole for needing that comfort when Zayn just got dumped – none of which would have happened if Liam- but Zayn cuts his thinking short with a quiet _“Hey. I mean it.”_ that makes him smile despite himself.

“I'm sorry” Liam whispers, and he locks his eyes with Zayn, presses his palm against the fingers on his cheek. He feels like he's short changing him with an apology that simple, but he doesn't know how else to tell him; that he's sorry for what happened and for how he never saw it before, that he's sorry for taking so long and sorry for wanting him because it makes things harder. That he's sorry too that he can't help feeling a little happy, despite the knowledge that Ellie might be crying right now.

“ _Don't be”_ Zayn answers just as quietly, eyes cast down shyly as he brings up a second hand to mirror the position of his first, his thumb stroking tiny circles underneath Liam's left eye. _“I'm not”_ Liam wants to call attention to how there are still tear tracks on Zayn's face, how he's got bags under his eyes and Liam's pretty sure he lost weight, wants to ask how he _can't_ be sorry when things have been this hard, but then Zayn leans forward and presses a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth and Liam can't really be sorry either.

 

Much as he wants to align their mouths and find out if Zayn's smile tastes as good as it looks, Zayn pulls back before Liam can, and he looks distinctly more miserable than anyone should when they've first kissed the person they're in love with. _“Sorry”_ He whispers, but Liam catches one of his hands before he can drop them to the blanket and scramble out of bed. “It's okay” He answers, squeezes his fingers for good measure, and Zayn shakes his head. _“I can't”_ He sounds genuinely sorry for it too, but even if Liam will admit that this is not exactly how he hoped the conversation after their first kiss would go he understands that it's the circumstances and not him.

(God, he hopes it's not him)

“I know. Zayn, you don't have to apologize. I get it, I promise. Things are all so new, you _just_ broke up with your girlfriend, you need time, that's totally understandable, babe, okay?” Calling Zayn _babe_ is one of those new things, and yet it feels like the endearment could have slipped out millions of times before. That happens a lot, with Zayn, these new things that feel familiar. Liam wonders if the road ahead will feel like coming home too, littered with new-old things that feel like they just need to be _re_ discovered, like cast aside toys that you've forgotten you'd once loved.

“ _What if -”_ Zayn looks so worried, takes his hand away and bites his lip and all Liam wants to do is wrap his arms around him and protect him from the same questions that have been going through his mind, promise him that whatever it is, they'll figure it out together. _“What if I can't, **ever**?”_

His first response is incredulity because what does he _mean_ , he can't ever? After all that's happened, after all they've been through, _of course_ they can. They will. They _have to_. But Zayn's voice sounds small and vulnerable and scared and Liam fights down the panic that comes with questions he never dreamed of asking himself. Questions he's starting to understand, from the way Zayn won't look at him and twists his fingers in the bed spread, have been plaguing him for years. “Zayn” Liam starts, patient though he grips his hand perhaps a shade too tight, wants to physically tether him here, show him that he's here, that he's _his_ even if it's new and scary and he has no clue how to go about any of the physical things that are bound to come with this relationship. “Do you want this?”

Zayn's fingers twitch under his and he sounds almost insulted when he answers, like Liam is stupid for even asking that when he _just_ kissed him. _“Of course”_ There's more to come but Liam shushes him, shakes his head and gives his hand another squeeze.

“I want this too.”

He gets a shivery exhale in response, but otherwise Zayn remains silent, and Liam figures that maybe he needs to hear it more often, maybe years of Zayn telling himself _no_ can only be undone by an equal amount of time spent hearing Liam tell him _yes_.

“ _But-”_

“What are you afraid of?” Liam asks, watches as Zayn plucks at the blanket again, his own hands useless in his lap, the need to fidget increasing with every thread that gets tugged free by Zayn's slender fingers. Both pairs of eyes are focused on the bedspread, on how it unravels into a hole big enough to fit their pinkie in before Zayn speaks, answer rushing out on a sighed breath.

“ _Everything.”_

Liam weighs that for a moment, tries to fuse Zayn who just kissed him with Zayn who isn't sure that he can be more than friends, wonders what he can say to make him understand that he's scared too, but not of _them_ , because that's the one thing that has always made sense since this whole thing started. In the end he simply reaches out to cover the other's hand with his, laces their fingers when Zayn's grip accommodates for the feel of Liam's palm pressed lightly against his.

 

“How about now?”


End file.
